So, it dawned on me last night, as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, that this relationship I’ve been trying to excuse myself from – has some eerie similarities to the experiences I had trying to get sober.
It took me 23 years to get sober and to find myself in a position where I can say I’m very happy being a non-drinker. In the past, I would quit drinking, but I was always pissed off about it. I never severed my attachment to alcohol and drinking. I had a deep emotional attraction to both that I simply refused to walk away from entirely. While I might have stopped drinking – my longing for the immediate and physical relief that alcohol brought stayed cemented deep within. I was the lover who refused to believe the relationship was over. I was the lover who wouldn’t let go.
This relationship that I just ended with my now ex-boyfriend did not end over night. Oh no. It took about six months of regularly breaking up and getting back together before I finally ended it for good. We both tried to make it work. We were like magnets – attracted when we were facing the right directions, but not so much when I did an about face, which I did often. I couldn’t help it. We might have been following the same guidebook, but I never felt like we were reading it in the same galaxy. Too many exasperating differences. So – I called it for good. The end. End of our story. Connection cut. Tie untied. Umbilical severed. Goodbye. Don’t let the door hit … yada yada.
And I closed the door and had NO emotional reaction. None. Nothing. And I was not expecting that. I’m not sure that I was expecting anything honestly, but every time I broke up with this guy in the past – it HURT. So why wouldn’t it hurt again this time. Right? That seems like a logical conclusion to anticipate. But it didn’t happen. I closed the door and stood there for a couple of minutes – accessing myself. Hm. Nothing. I may as well have just closed the door behind the pizza delivery guy. How odd.
The similarities between my experience getting sober and being in a happy place about it, and closing the door permanently on this relationship – and being happy about that too are curious indeed. I had to keep trying to stop drinking. I had to keep breaking up with this man – until I finally got both right (not at the same time of course).
Now what IS that all about?
I don’t know.
But it sure does feel good. I’m actually starting to feel like I’m finally doing shit right in my life. I’m doing things right – by me. WOW. I’m not sure I ever had an idea what this could feel like. I’m pretty good at finding words to describe things, but I’m not convinced there’s a word or phrase out there that accurately describes my internal experiences right now. They’re good.
They’re really good.