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The Onus Is On Me…

It wasn’t a hippo in the dream.

The only way out is through.’ Who wrote that? Can’t we go around sometimes?

I dreamed I was riding on a horse that was – in the reality of the dream – as big as a freaking elephant/hippo/beast thing. It looked like a horse, galloped like a horse, made horse sounds – but it was way too big to be a horse. And I was trying to ride this thing side-saddle. At first it was working. Until I started slipping off. And there were no reins to hold on to or stirrups below my feet to catch me. I realized I was going to have to swivel around if I didn’t want to slip off.

So I did and then I was riding this thing backward, which for a moment was fine with me because I knew how silly I looked and didn’t mind. But then I realized I couldn’t see where we were going and that wasn’t going to work, so I swung around. My legs were barely long enough to hang over the sides of this creatures great back it was so wide.

Up ahead I noticed that the road we were travelling was broken up. Big chunks of rocky pavement lay broken in the middle of the road about 1/2 a mile in front of us. And while I was acutely aware of the powerful legs of my beast, I also realized how easy one might break if one of it’s hoofs or ankles got caught in the broken pavement. So I used my legs in an attempt to steer it right or left, but either way we might go there were people milling around.

I don’t know where we were going or what everyone ahead was doing up there – maybe trying to mend the road – but either way we were not going to be able to go straight through without chancing a broken leg. My beast was massive and strong, but the weight of it’s body and head was just perfectly balanced atop it’s legs which did not match it’s body in proportion. I had to make decisions for it that it was completely oblivious to.

When I woke up and remembered this dream this morning my thoughts immediately went to my relationship with J. He is a good man overall, but I have become acutely aware of everything he does that irritates me. And what’s worse is that I dread seeing him. I even dread communicating with him sometimes because nearly everything we discuss turns into an exhaustive communication ordeal. Probably the most frustrating tendency he has is to instigate great debate or argument over topics that don’t warrant such attention and energy. He completely depletes my energy. I am always glad to see him go home and I ask myself – why do I continue to spend time with someone that I feel this way about?

I have my reasons, but they’re becoming fewer and fewer. I realize this morning that the dream was about this internal battle I’m experiencing over how to maneuver myself around our relationship and get away from it. HE is the broken up pavement ahead. The beast on which I ride is the energy within that I’ve chosen to carry me forward in life – for the time being.


Published by Jennifer

I've finally found my happy place in sobriety. Yay! Go Me!

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